Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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