I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize