She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
