I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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