Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
