She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
