naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
