i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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