Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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