I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
if only i could text you this smell
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
