Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
