I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
