I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
