my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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