Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
