I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
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she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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