tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
