I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
