WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
