Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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