you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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