so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
