Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
