he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
