he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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