I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
