Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
