Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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