One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
There are leaves in my underwear?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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