so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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