I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
