I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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