There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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