Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
