My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
