Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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