if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
