Farmville is her only friend.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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