I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
