Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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