Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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