dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
