you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
