Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
