College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
