That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
