Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
