I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
