I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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