My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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