Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
