I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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