It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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