i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
