this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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