Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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