Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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