Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
