"it" just moved
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
