i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
