I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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