Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
